CHAPTER ONE
LETTING GO

By the time I turned seventeen, I knew I wanted to farm and most of my life I have followed my dream. There were times when I had to do other things, but during those times I was never happy. Then, in December of 2006, when I turned fifty-seven, I decided it was time to stop. This decision was not easy because I was ready to keep farming until the bank closed me down. I had been on my Wisconsin farm for nine years and it was my last chance to make a go of it. I really needed to make this farm work because my whole identity was tied up with having a model Biodynamic farm. It was more than just the money. It was part of my being, to show that Biodynamic farming really worked and to demonstrate the richness of the soil farmed this way. My poor wife, Susan was watching me go down; she even put in a large chunk of her retirement money to support me and the farm. I was still enjoying the work well enough, but not the way I used to. Getting up at 4.30 a.m. on a crystal-clear January morning in Wisconsin with the stars wheeling overhead is reward on its own. But the challenge was gone. Sitting on a tractor for eight hours straight, trying to get the corn in before the rain, now seemed more appropriate work for a younger man. I was still too stubborn to quit and so my body decided to just make the point. Every few months my back would go out. I mean really out. It was so painful that I would lie down, and not be able to move. Just peeing into a bottle took ten minutes, ten minutes of excruciating pain. After taking muscle relaxants and pain killers for two days, I would be able to hobble into the Osteopath’s office. Meanwhile my herdsman would get exhausted doing all the milking and other chores. I would have to start working before being properly healed and still in pain, and that is scary. My body was telling me it was time to quit but my mind was not yet willing.
Susan has a good friend who is also psychic and she helped me see the day light so that I could move on with my life She intuited that I had a sense that I would die if I failed at farming. Before moving to Wisconsin in 1998, I had a small farm in upstate New York where we grew vegetables and baked bread. To keep me busy in the winters, I built a wood-fired brick oven that could bake up to three hundred loaves in a day. I specialized in European sour dough breads that were the best in town and I did very well. However, I felt that I should be farming and that I had missed my vocation. Although I was doing well financially and had a wonderful wife and two great teenage kids, I secretly wished I would die. I thought that, in my next incarnation, maybe I could do better and get on with whatever I was meant to do. Martine had picked up this death wish and suggested I reprogram it into the positive. So we came up with three sentences that I had to repeat to myself on a daily basis. “I will be fine if I am not farming. My life’s work will not be wasted if I don’t farm, and I can still live in the country and be associated with farming.” The last sentence made it possible for me to transition into the future. Six months later, I decided to sell my cows and machinery and give up my farm lease.
Susan was ready for a change because we had both been working exhaustively hard all our lives. We started talking about a sabbatical to restore and redirect ourselves. We went into the unknowing and serendipity played with us. We now live in our own house in the Highlands of Ecuador, with the most beautiful view one can imagine. We hope to bridge the chasm between North and South for the good of both…and ourselves. We live just above Vilcabamba, in Southern Ecuador, at about six thousand feet. It was only in the 60s that a road was finally punched through the mountain pass and the valley became accessible to vehicles. Now there are thirty small hostels and hotels but it has retained its charm, with a small square surrounded by local shops, restaurants and the church.
I feel at home here. I can hardly believe it but I often spend hours on the patio, immersed in nature.. For close to forty years, I have been mostly farming and now I want to experience “being ”instead of “doing.” I have set myself an agenda that each morning before breakfast I meditate, then spend time studying Spanish and then turn to writing this book. If there is time left over I hike or spend more time on the patio. As I write, I am realizing that I may reach more people to explore the wonder of Biodynamics with this book than I ever could with a model Biodynamic farm and that is giving me great joy.
A friend suggested that I am comfortable here because I was born on the Equator in Borneo and now I am back, only on the other side of the world at 6,000 feet and with a new language to learn. I think there are additional reasons. We belonged to a Quaker meeting for many years and part of our spiritual practice was to tread lightly on the earth and to live at peace with the rest of the world. Back in the States, it’s hard not to be dragged into consumerism whereas here living without much is a way of life. We recently went back to Wisconsin for a couple of weeks and I went through some of the old catalogues. I wanted to pull out my credit card and order some really nice shirts for $55 that I didn’t need, because I had already bought some really nice $5 shirts back in Ecuador. And then there is The Homeland Security thing….it always sounds as if there is an Agent Orange Alert going on in the States. It’s hard being part of the fear mentality and knowing that many things we do in the States contribute to fear.
As we go through life, we have three congruent paths. Our life’s work or vocation, the group of people we live with or have karma with and our own personal development. These aspects come to the forefront at different times of our lives. Now I feel blessed that I can take time out and work on my own development for a while, before life catches up with me again.
I have had two main themes in my life, both revolving around the care of the earth. One has been healing the earth and producing good food through Biodynamic farming and the other has been to bring non-farmers onto the land. I want to teach you all how you can care for the earth in a spiritual fashion. I want to talk about the spirituality of the earth from a farmer’s perspective. I need some time to sink deeply into the beauty of the earth and rejuvenate myself. With no conscious planning, life brought us here to one of the most beautiful spots on the earth and we feel blessed. Maybe country-wise I am rootless, having farmed on four continents, but I feel grounded in the earth of the world.